12th April 2020 feels like yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time. I can’t believe that its been a whole year since I held Nans hand as she left this world. Its not been an easy year, but its gone quick! Despite being stuck at home ALOT time really does fly in the middle of a global pandemic!
I stopped writing on here at the end of last year. I had plenty of ideas but the spark to write had just vanished. I am not even entirely sure I have any sort of focus back right now but I felt that since I posted my first blog on here on the 13th April last year I wanted to write something a whole year later too.
There have been times in the last year that my grief has been the only thing I could think of. Until Nan I had never seen someone die and only once seen someone laid to rest (my step nan and I was about 13 so a lifetime ago!) so I have at times struggled to come to terms with this. Since the turn of the new year I have been seeking alot more support from my doctor and other people she has pointed me in the direction off and slowly I do feel that there *might* be a tiny bit of progress. Its slow though.
Being with just paramedics with Nan when she died meaning no-one else has that same picture of watching her take her last breath in their memories has felt lonely at times. Like I can only talk about it and assure the family she was at peace. I think part of me has felt guilty at times that I am the only one who knows that it was like. None of that is logical or how I really feel most of the time.
Every day this year Nan has been on my mind. It has been good, bad, sad, happy thoughts sometimes all together. At times my grief has felt overwhelming but here I am 12 months later. I have actually used the lockdowns to tackle my relationship with food and so far have lost some weight which has already made me feel alot better. Nan would be proud and maybe not call me fat so often if she was still here! (Dementia is savage!).
I miss Nan every day, I will always miss Nan. I will possibly always miss nan more in other ways than other lost family members just because of our bond. I am here though, a year later, coping and doing Nan proud.
Before she died I wouldn’t have imagined ever coping, let alone as well as I have whilst stuck at home! Hope she is proud! I like to think shes proud of whatever I do next too!
x
beckalou.co.uk 