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I try my best, but to some thats not good enough

Hello, its been a while. Its actually been over a year since I last posted anything on this blog. Its not that I haven’t wanted to write, I have… its more been finding the focus to write or having the confidence to say what I really want to say. I think that in previous posts, especially about Nan I have pride myself on being truth and honest about my feelings and thats how I want my posts to remain. So that said, had I wrote anything in the last year I just know that I would have held something back and the post would have come from my head and not my heart.

So where to start. Well I guess the biggest news is I have ADHD. I know what you are thinking, half the world has ADHD now but I am a firm believer that we were all missed during childhood and a big thumbs up to anyone who has received a late in life adult diagnosis of ADHD… to get this far WE ROCK! How did the ADHD diagnosis come about? Well, truth be told I saw people discussing their own diagnosis and what they struggled with etc etc and I had this massive light bulb moment in my head around March/April 2022. It was like finding out there could be a reason for everything I had disliked about myself most of my life. I had a similar feeling when I got diagnosed with dyslexia at 19 and was told my IQ was so high I was basically a genius but my written work didnt show this (the assessers words not my own as much as I can have a big head at times!). At 19 it was a relief to know that I could go off to uni with this new found confidence. Muck up? Ok well im dyslexic just deal with it.

So to get to 31, no job, living at home, struggling to cope with day to day life, feeling a failure, hard on myself 24/7, feeling like everyone was 1000 steps ahead of me, binge eating out of control, no sense of willpower (aside from my gambling recovery 5 years 4 months now) I felt SHIT. Utter bloody shit, this total waste of space and that might be hard to read because I painted this smile on my face and pretended where possible but it is how I felt and still feel alot of the time. I decided that I would broach the subject of ADHD with my GP. After having so many bad experiences with GPs I wasnt hopeful but my appointment was with the Doctor who got my coeliac diagnosed, leaving me quietly optimistic. I was right, she was LOVELY! After a long conversation about how i was feeling she actually done me a referral for both ADHD and Autism. Things were making some sense to me finally.

I had to wait a further 6 months for my appointment which I know is very lucky compared to some people and I was diagnosed with combined ADHD on December 23rd 2022. Happy Christmas to me. Infact christmas day was the first time I felt like I could take myself off for some people and quiet to cope and had an actual reason for needing to do so. It felt amazing to be honest. I started medication last week and although I posted on my instagram last night its been great I actually had a message last night telling me to stop because of my blood pressure that is slightly high and has been slightly high for 12 months and is exactly the same as it was prior to them prescribing me. So thats annoying and hopefully just crossed wires, but either way ill be at the doctors monday morning begging them to finally treat it so I dont have this hassle anymore.

Why the title I choose for this post? Well, on the whole the people I have told about my diagnosis have been great about it but there is one person who dismisses everything to do with my health totally out of hand and it just gets me down. I really am going to try hard not to let them get to me anymore because my diagnosis is real, just like my asthma and anything else I have been diagnosed with by medical professionals and not just someone who thinks they know best!

If you have got this far then thank you and I am going to try and post more now that I have got a feel for writing again, I still have more stories of dementia and nan I could share. Along with that I am going to do anything and everything I can to get to where I deserve to be which is happy and I might just let you in on that too.

Becka x

2021 has been meh

2020 was a difficult year because we lost Nan and then the pandemic didn’t exactly help but I had positive things happen like start to get a handle on my weight. I remained gamble free (and still am) and I remember thinking this time last year feeling quite positive about going into 2021.

Well, ha, that went well. Going into a lockdown 5 days into the year didn’t really help me get off to a good start. I reached out to my GP in January to try and get support over my feelings around Nans death and all this did was start a chain of events that means I am in December now, I’ve put some weight on and I still feel like I am in a bit of a mess but finally I feel like I might be able to get my head back to where I was in July 2020 and go into 2022 with the mindset to create the healthiest mind and body possible. I do want to lose weight, that is no secret. It is for health reasons more so than it will ever be for how the mirror looks.

The GP in January changed my mental health medication and it was the biggest mistake I made this year because it led me on a cycle of over eating and I was out of control for a good few months. I kept trying to tell this GP that there was more going on and I had all these physical symptoms too that I wasn’t sure if it was down to the medication or something else and she just totally dismissed them out of hand and I felt majorly defeated one day at the end of June!!!

Well, thankfully I soon picked myself up, requested a different GP and was randomly assigned to a female GP that changed the latter part of my year for the better and is partly why I am sure I can make a turn in 2022! I make a point of stating a female GP because 99% of the time I do not get on with female doctors at all. I don’t know why, just one of those things. She listened to me on the first telephone appointment and I really felt for her because I honestly spoke faster than Usain Bolt doing the 100m and probably took as many breaths as I have punctuated this post in the correct places but hey ho, dyslexic and I have decided that you can take me as I am.

I had blood tests and 90% of them came back normal. I was like, golly here we go again sigh but then and to my actual surprise given that I had been eating a 90% gluten free diet for a year to support my mum with her own health conditions my markers for coeliac disease came back high enough to need further investigations. I was relieved because it wasnt all in my head, though speaking of head at this point she also changed me onto a much better medication and I am still on it now and doing so so so much better! I had my tests at the hospital to see if I do indeed have coeliac disease and well I do. So now gluten free isnt a choice, but at least I was sort of used to it. I just wish there was more options when out and about but I can’t grumble because I know that things are so much better now than they used to be! (Can still be better tho!)

Not only did she help me determine that it wasnt all in my head, she pushed for me to have the ultrasound that I was denied a couple of years ago to see if I have PCOS. I had this Ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and I do need to make an appointment to speak to her but thats top of my to do list for the new year! She is also (this is starting to sound like a long list of things she helped me with) helping me to look into trauma counselling because of stuff thats happened over the last few years.

I think really what I am trying to say is that I finally found a doctor that took me seriously from every angle and it has made the world of difference. So, really, I have been super quiet on here this year and numerous times I half started posts and then just lost the will to type so gave up. I have sat down and typed this down in about half an hour and thats how I know its my kind of post. Its not over thought or even re-read. I know there is going to be errors, but so be it. Grammar police come at me.

For now, I wish you a happy christmas!

I’ll be back in 2022 and also write more than 2 blooming posts in a year!!!!!

Becka. x

12th April

12th April 2020 feels like yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time. I can’t believe that its been a whole year since I held Nans hand as she left this world. Its not been an easy year, but its gone quick! Despite being stuck at home ALOT time really does fly in the middle of a global pandemic!

I stopped writing on here at the end of last year. I had plenty of ideas but the spark to write had just vanished. I am not even entirely sure I have any sort of focus back right now but I felt that since I posted my first blog on here on the 13th April last year I wanted to write something a whole year later too.

There have been times in the last year that my grief has been the only thing I could think of. Until Nan I had never seen someone die and only once seen someone laid to rest (my step nan and I was about 13 so a lifetime ago!) so I have at times struggled to come to terms with this. Since the turn of the new year I have been seeking alot more support from my doctor and other people she has pointed me in the direction off and slowly I do feel that there *might* be a tiny bit of progress. Its slow though.

Being with just paramedics with Nan when she died meaning no-one else has that same picture of watching her take her last breath in their memories has felt lonely at times. Like I can only talk about it and assure the family she was at peace. I think part of me has felt guilty at times that I am the only one who knows that it was like. None of that is logical or how I really feel most of the time.

Every day this year Nan has been on my mind. It has been good, bad, sad, happy thoughts sometimes all together. At times my grief has felt overwhelming but here I am 12 months later. I have actually used the lockdowns to tackle my relationship with food and so far have lost some weight which has already made me feel alot better. Nan would be proud and maybe not call me fat so often if she was still here! (Dementia is savage!).

I miss Nan every day, I will always miss Nan. I will possibly always miss nan more in other ways than other lost family members just because of our bond. I am here though, a year later, coping and doing Nan proud.

Before she died I wouldn’t have imagined ever coping, let alone as well as I have whilst stuck at home! Hope she is proud! I like to think shes proud of whatever I do next too!
x

1000 days in recovery

Today is a special day for me, its one that has been in the diary for a few months when I knew that it was approaching. Maybe I could have jinxed myself by looking far ahead but I knew that I would reach it and I have. Today, after 10 years of fighting an addiction I can officially say that I am 1000 days without gambling. 1000 days, wow, that figure just blows me away.

Gambling started out as a fun pastime, I enjoyed it. Soon though, sadly very soon given that I started gambling when I was 18 it turned very toxic. It became my emotional crux and it became the least helpful coping mechanism I could ever not recommend. I had many periods of giving up before I actually gave up (for what I like to think is good but I am always aware of my emotions around gambling) for good.

I would say the beginning of the end started back in July 2016. My 1000 days starts from March 2018 so you can see that I still struggled for nearly two more years even from where I count my beginning of the end. I say July 2016 was the beginning of the end because it was the one and only time I had a big win and walked away and did something useful with it.

From that moment on I had many periods of 3 months of no gambling and thought yes this is it… I am strong, I can do this and then something would happen and I would be right back where I started.

From the age of 18 till I was 27 I never told a doctor about my struggles. I felt ashamed… here I am, student, female, never stepped foot in a bookies and I have the urge to spin slot machines and blow my wages in 30 seconds every day. It didn’t sit right with me until one GP changed it all. I just opened up about everything to him. It took some time, various appointments but during that time I was having to go once a month because they wouldn’t yet put my anxiety tablets on repeat prescription.

After I told him I think I gambled twice more in the space of 2 months until I stopped in March 2018. The real game changer and something I say has aided my recovery is that I signed up to GamStop. This is something that blocks your access to signing up to any (legit) gambling site that has signed up to be a member of their service. Your details are shared across the board and I couldn’t sign up or try and get my account reopened on lets say any of your high street names if I even wanted too and I can safely say I don’t want to. Since that day I have never tried.

1000 days just blows my mind. I am so extremely proud of myself today. I know I always have to stay aware of my emotions to ensure I keep on this journey but today I am really proud and want to shout it from the rooftops.

Please, if anyone is struggling with similar issues then please please don’t hesitate in reaching out and talking to someone. I am always available to chat to on social media and happy to talk about both my own experiences and listen to yours if thats what you need. You can find me on both twitter and Instagram on the username “beckalou90”. Please come chat if you feel you need to.

But for now, I am 1000 days without gambling and that is an amazing feeling!

Happy Heavenly 90th Nan

Today, 4th October 2020 would have marked Nans 90th birthday. I don’t really want to dwell on the fact she isn’t here to celebrate it with us, I feel that today should be a happy day. As a family we so badly wanted Nan to make 90, I remember many conversations in the months leading up to her passing where we talked about her making 90 and then anything after that would be amazing too.

As well as wanting her to make her 90th because it would have been an amazing celebration that she deserved (mind you not so much with COVID lurking around), I also really wanted to her to make her 90th birthday because of a conversation the two of us had on one of our many little rides in my car nearly two years ago (11th November 2018).

I have a big birthday approaching too, 21….. ok I wish. I am 30 at the beginning of November and back in 2018 on our little car journey was talked about having joint 90th/30th birthday celebrations during October between our two birthdays. I am really sad that I can’t do that now, not in the way I would have liked. I would have really liked to have spoiled her rotten today. There would have been so much cake that I wouldn’t have had to buy any on her weekly shop for at least a month. Plenty of little drinks like we had on previous birthdays (brandy!!!) and I would have again asked if all of my friends could send her birthday cards. That is something I did a couple of years ago and I am so happy I did it then. Nan had about 30 cards for her 88th birthday and she was completely overwhelmed. I have kept every card as a memory from that day.

I miss her so very much and its almost 6 months since shes gone. In the blink of an lockdown, masked, covid, staying home all the time year, the 6 months have flown by. Happy birthday Nan. The first one was always going to be hard but its feels extra harder because it would have been the 1st of the big birthdays that we were meant to share together. Ironically on my birthday last year nan told me it was my last birthday (I mean I hope she is wrong!!) but what I think she meant was it was the last of my birthday she would be around for and my beautiful Nan was sadly right!

I am going to enjoy remembering her today and when it comes to my birthday I am going to celebrate as best as I can. It might not be what I had planned and thats ok. Thank you so much for all your support over the last few months, grief is a blooming rollercoaster, like riding a wave… not a 1st or 2nd wave just a constant wave!

Until next time (and I won’t leave it so long next time)

Becka.

Getting back to normal finding the new normal

I think we would all agree 2020 has been one heck of a weird year. When I think back to Nan going into hospital back in February despite only being 6 months ago almost to the day it feels like a completely different life and world. Coronavirus was present as there were plenty of signs up at the hospital but everything was still very normal.

Fast forward to today and the way of living is currently very different. I find myself happy that things are starting to feel more normal as lock down restrictions have eased but my normal will never be the normal of pre-lock down and that is taking some getting used it.

Mum and I had just recently started doing the food shop together again. We used to do it on a Sunday but at the moment we are doing it on a Monday afternoon. Mainly because we know the group of people who are there every week for the final reductions on a Sunday just won’t understand the concept of social distancing as they practically stood on your toes prior to covid to get those bargains, I cant see they have changed! Going on a Monday is great, its quite quiet and fairly relaxed and feels completely normal until I remember Monday’s was the day that we shopped for Nan.

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Don’t get me wrong some weeks I am fine. Then other weeks I pass the ambrosia strawberry custard that I used to have to buy in large quantities because Nan would eat 3 at once and I am filled with this overwhelming sense of sadness because I will never see her rub the pot with a tea towel “to warm it up” before opening it ever again. I look at the style of slippers that I always picked up for her and think “oh she would like the…” “oh wait”. Its pretty rubbish when I am feeling like this!

I am pretty sure that since Nan passed the sales of ready meals in the town had gone down drastically when I think about the amount of mini shopping trips I would have to make during the week because before she had carers and was still managing (fairly good) herself cottage pie seemed like a really good breakfast choice, followed by pasta for lunch and then half another meal for supper leaving very little choice in the fridge unopened for the end of the week!

20 weeks have now passed since she left this world. The world is completely different. We were at the height of the pandemic when she passed and now we have some of our freedoms back it feels good to be going out a bit more but I have to find my new normal. My normal up to the point of her passing was her. I miss just laying on her sofa next to her chair watching Judge Rinder, Tenable, Tipping point and The Chase. I would happily sit there and watch them with her even if she was asleep!

If you follow me on instagram you will see that in the last couple of months I have been focusing on losing weight and trying to get healthier. Nan used to call me fat (dementia doesn’t hold back) she would be proud of me for becoming slimmer but would happily remind me she was still slimmer! In some of my future posts I will move from just talking about my grief to that journey too. I hope you stick with me for that.

Until next time.

Grief – catches you when you least expect it.

Wednesday was four months since Nan died. That is 1/3 of a year – gone in a blink of an eye. Surprisingly, given the year that as a world we have had and the fact I have spent a good chunk of the last four months at home, its flown by.

As a family we are still very much sorting out Nans house. Some things are much easier to sort than others things and occasionally something we come across hits the big fat “here is grief and you are going to feeling it hard” button.

That is what happened last week and it has very much been on my mind since then. I almost hope that writing this down and sharing my thoughts will help me file this moment of grief away with the others.

Nan loved music. Country music was her favourite but in her latter years I did manage to get her to fall in love with Steps just like myself! One of my most treasured memories is a video of her dancing to the latest steps album. She had better moves than myself. Last week I was looking at her cds and stereo and come across something that made me quite sad. On top of the stereo was a turntable and one this turntable was a pile of CD’s that Nan had quite clearly tried to play. Obviously it wouldn’t work and likely the stereo wasn’t even plugged in but it added more sadness to my memories of her telling me that her hifi wasn’t working. I knew it was working but now I have more pieces of Nans stories put together in my head, the stereo really wouldn’t have been working for her. It wasn’t working in the way that she thought it should work, the way it was for her in the 60s/70s/80s when she danced with my grampy.

I really didn’t like the idea of her getting upset about it not working. I mean, I can’t know for a fact she got upset. She could well have just kicked the stereo, cursed and went and made a cup of tea but I will never know for sure. It really made me sad to think of her trying to get the CDs to play. I spent the last years of Nans life wanting to wrap her up in cotton wool, I know I couldn’t completely but I gave it a good bloody go!

I hope where ever she is she is dancing away to (Steps) Johnny Cash and tomorrow when I go out the one Johnny Cash CD I have in my car is going in and whilst I run errands I will be signing my heart out just like we would have on our little rides.

Hope you are all coping well in this heat,

Until next time.

Becka x

I miss her, but I am glad shes at peace.

I miss Nan so much and part of me wishes so so much I could have her still here with me however, part of me is relieved she is at peace now. Is that me saying I am glad shes not here? Of course not. Am I glad she isn’t suffering anymore? 100%.

When she was in hospital in February I did come to terms with the fact we wouldn’t have her here with us for much longer.. as in years. I did hope she would make it to her 90th birthday in October because we had agreed that we would celebrate together turning 90 in October and myself 30 in November (I know… I don’t look old enough!). I really hoped that we would be able to do that but after that I knew that it was literally a day at a time and appreciate every moment.

I really didn’t expect her to pass away as quickly as she did. We were under no illusions that she would be with us forever and even in that last week when things were really bad I still didn’t think it was the end yet. Looking back and you know hindsight is a wonderful thing now I think about it, it was clear that the end was coming.

Today (at the time of writing this) we went to my great grandparents grave and it helped to go there and think of them all at peace together Nan. En-route to their grave we stopped at where Nan is at rest with Grampy and I felt OK seeing the little plaque with her name on (we are in the process of getting the headstone sorted). Its the first time I felt OK because when I looked at it I thought yes, she is no longer with me but she is no longer in any pain and that is OK.

I miss her alot, like ALOT but I am OK with the fact she isn’t here anymore because I know that if she was still with us her quality of life wouldn’t be great and I wouldn’t want that for her. From our point of view I am also really glad that none of us saw her really deteriorate to not knowing who we are. My heart would have broke more than it has if she had ever acted like she didn’t know who I was.

I know this post comes across a bit mismatched but thats my brain at the moment. If you have got to this point then pat yourself on the back because honestly well done, I dont think I would have!

In a couple of weeks its 4 months since Nan died and honestly thats just gone in a blink of an eye! All of you that have been reading this since I started writing on thank you! In the next few weeks I am going to change things up slightly and my posts aren’t going to all be grief related! I hope you stick around for that too! It is still very much me navigating my life through this new part of my life. I’m not a carer anymore and its taking a bit of time to get used to the fact I am actually… I can put myself first now.

Take care.

Until next time

“Excuse me, what is going on here?”

This week I have been thinking a lot about the funny memories, the cheeky Nan that made everyone laugh. One of most recent is one of the cutest and funniest, feisty Nan memories I have and only happened about 5 weeks before she passed away.

Nan was admitted to hospital a couple of months before she passed away. When she was up on the ward she was very settled and happy, the lady next to her was adorable and going to visit nan became visiting her also! During lock-down I have thought a lot about all our chats with Kathleen and as nan was discharged a week before the country was locked down I really hope Kathleen made it out of hospital before lock-down also.

Nan required lots of assistance with her eating so we made a point of getting there a lot at meal times. That may sound the opposite of what the ward would want but they appreciated the family being there to assist where their family members required extra help.

This one particular day Nan just wasn’t having any of it. Her food was in front of her but she just wouldn’t eat it. Between the nurses and ourselves we did our best to encourage nan but it just wasn’t happening.

It turned out Nan was having a protest over the fact she wanted to go home. She kept calling over the nurses and asking them why she was there. They would reassure her it was because she was poorly and being made better but she was having none of it. This one particular nurse Nan summoned over and went “Excuse me, what is going on here… me and my family haven’t done anything wrong… why am i here”. I don’t quite know where she thought she was but she obviously knew it wasn’t the right place.

She told this nurse that she was going home with mum and I that night. Obviously she wasn’t but this nurse had to reassure her that once she started to eat she could go home on another day. This was absolutely true, there was an agreement that once she would eat and drink a bit she could go home.

The nurse again told Nan that once she started eating she would then be able to go home on another day. Nan said “No I am going with these tonight” (I really wished by this point I could take her and wrap her up in cotton wool and looking after her). The nurse said she couldn’t go because she hadn’t eaten her food and the next line that came out of Nans mouth was so on point and sassy that I will remember it forever….

“I’ll take it with me when I go with them”

We all laughed. There was no tricking Nan. No getting round it. In the end she did eat a bit and came home the following Tuesday but it was just so cute the way she was determined that she was coming home with her family on that night.

It is hard in my head to grasp that this happened just over a month before she died. She was still so with it at time and ironically despite 3 and a half years of dementia it was actually her body that let her down before her mind let her down to the extent she wasn’t my Nan still.

I miss her so much, but I am so grateful to have these funny moments stored away in my memory.

Together at the end.

It is by chance that I came up with this post idea and today (6th of July… who knows when I will post it) I still don’t know how comfortable I am with the idea of sharing this with you all but I realised I rarely discuss my feelings and on this I would like you to understand.

Prior to Nan dying death wasn’t something that I had witnessed. I had people in the family die but with both my other grandparents (I know you have 4 grandparents but one doesn’t count long story, families are weird and I also had a Step Nan) I hadn’t seen either of them after they died. With my granddad I was only 6 years old so I don’t really remember but I did say to my mum after she saw him in his coffin “If he looked that nice why couldn’t I have seen him” and my other Nan died when I was 22 and I didn’t want to see her because the last memory I have of her is giving her a hug in her house 2 weeks before she died. Last year I was starting to think about how I would feel with Nan dying. Nan had become such a big part of my life that I was scared of her dying. I truly didn’t think I would cope.

I heard so many things about dementia online, from doctors, in the media, from people that have experienced family with it that I started to build a picture in my head of what I thought Nan’s death would look like. I was convinced at one point she would be in a care home not knowing who any of us were unable to eat and drink and this would totally break my heart. When she had her hospital admission in February the conversation turned a lot to making her comfortable at home if treatment for her medical issues stopped working, this helped me to be more reassured that she would infact die in her own home like she wanted. I just thought I would have longer than a month with her when she got discharged from hospital.

When I got the phone call from the carer on the day she died the last thing I expected was to go to her house and her have passed away within 3 hours. When I created all these images in my head of how I thought she would leave us I didn’t expect it to be just me and two paramedics with her. This scenario had never once entered my head which means I never had a chance to prepare for it. If you know me, then you know that I like to think up about 20 completely different scenarios in my head and come up with a way for dealing with each. I had all this time previously to prepare for losing Nan and the way I lost her I was completely unprepared for.

Thankfully, is that the correct word…we will roll with it. Thankfully, the way she passed away couldn’t have been any nicer. I know she was very poorly but she wasn’t distressed. She was so peaceful, I think even I felt quite relaxed despite knowing what was happening. The paramedics with me were amazing. Naturally I was quite upset at times but they were so comforting without being able to get too close because obviously #covid!.

I so wanted my mum and brother to make it in time, but I watched Nan’s breathing start to slow down and I knew that it was very unlikely that they were going too. One of the paramedics was out on the phone to the doctor, I could hear them talking about me. I heard him say “shes naturally very upset but shes coping very well”. I don’t know if he knows I heard it. As she was happening I asked the other paramedic if Nans breathing was indeed slowing down. She was hooked up to a monitor that could tell them obviously so they knew when she had left us. About an hour before this Nan gave my hand a little squeeze and a tiny smile. I know she knew I was there.

Within minutes of this Nan took her last breath and I was holding her hand. I didn’t want to let her hand go because I knew that once I did then no-one would ever hold her hand with her alive again. The paramedics left me in peace with Nan though this was quickly ruined by her lunchtime carer turning up, that may well be a story for a different day. I just sat and held her hand, she looked incredibly peaceful. My mum and brother arrived about 5 minutes later, I was gutted that they missed out on being with Nan by so little time but I knew that Nan was okay because she hadn’t been alone.

There was so much to do in terms of the paramedics filling in their paperwork and the police coming acting on behalf of the coroner followed by the undertakers to take Nan. It was a good feel hours before we could go home but it felt as though those hours went in a blink of an eye. At one point I took a walk up the road to where one of my friends live just to go and see him. Obviously I told him Nan had passed away but I wanted to go and talk about his new car. It felt like even though Nan had only just passed away I instantly just wanted a bit of normal.

My family were trying to offer me hugs and I refused from everyone. I don’t know why I just really struggle with showing any kind of weakness. This sounds ridiculous given that my Nan had just passed away and its fine to be sad or cry but I prefer to hold it all together. I don’t know if prefer is the right word or whether over the years I have built myself up such barriers that I can’t show any kind of weakness. Writing about my feelings and how I felt in those moments is quite a scary thing but I know that it will help me and that is why I started writing this blog after Nan left me. It has helped me navigate my grief.

I have also been using my pictures and videos as a way of talking about my grief and I made this video of pictures of Nan and I. We had the most fun together.

Thank you if you watch the video. I do plan to upload some videos of me discussing topics in the future. Grief, dementia, caring .. I am not expert but I would like to share my experiences. However, I am waiting until I finally get a trip to the hairdresser until that, no-one needs to see Rebeccas lockdown hair!

Until next time. x