Today, 4th October 2020 would have marked Nans 90th birthday. I don’t really want to dwell on the fact she isn’t here to celebrate it with us, I feel that today should be a happy day. As a family we so badly wanted Nan to make 90, I remember many conversations in the months leading up to her passing where we talked about her making 90 and then anything after that would be amazing too.
As well as wanting her to make her 90th because it would have been an amazing celebration that she deserved (mind you not so much with COVID lurking around), I also really wanted to her to make her 90th birthday because of a conversation the two of us had on one of our many little rides in my car nearly two years ago (11th November 2018).
I have a big birthday approaching too, 21….. ok I wish. I am 30 at the beginning of November and back in 2018 on our little car journey was talked about having joint 90th/30th birthday celebrations during October between our two birthdays. I am really sad that I can’t do that now, not in the way I would have liked. 
I would have really liked to have spoiled her rotten today. There would have been so much cake that I wouldn’t have had to buy any on her weekly shop for at least a month. Plenty of little drinks like we had on previous birthdays (brandy!!!) and I would have again asked if all of my friends could send her birthday cards. That is something I did a couple of years ago and I am so happy I did it then. Nan had about 30 cards for her 88th birthday and she was completely overwhelmed. I have kept every card as a memory from that day.
I miss her so very much and its almost 6 months since shes gone. In the blink of an lockdown, masked, covid, staying home all the time year, the 6 months have flown by. Happy birthday Nan. The first one was always going to be hard but its feels extra harder because it would have been the 1st of the big birthdays that we were meant to share together. Ironically on my birthday last year nan told me it was my last birthday (I mean I hope she is wrong!!) but what I think she meant was it was the last of my birthday she would be around for and my beautiful Nan was sadly right!
I am going to enjoy remembering her today and when it comes to my birthday I am going to celebrate as best as I can. It might not be what I had planned and thats ok. Thank you so much for all your support over the last few months, grief is a blooming rollercoaster, like riding a wave… not a 1st or 2nd wave just a constant wave!
Until next time (and I won’t leave it so long next time)
Becka.
beckalou.co.uk 