I think we would all agree 2020 has been one heck of a weird year. When I think back to Nan going into hospital back in February despite only being 6 months ago almost to the day it feels like a completely different life and world. Coronavirus was present as there were plenty of signs up at the hospital but everything was still very normal.
Fast forward to today and the way of living is currently very different. I find myself happy that things are starting to feel more normal as lock down restrictions have eased but my normal will never be the normal of pre-lock down and that is taking some getting used it.
Mum and I had just recently started doing the food shop together again. We used to do it on a Sunday but at the moment we are doing it on a Monday afternoon. Mainly because we know the group of people who are there every week for the final reductions on a Sunday just won’t understand the concept of social distancing as they practically stood on your toes prior to covid to get those bargains, I cant see they have changed! Going on a Monday is great, its quite quiet and fairly relaxed and feels completely normal until I remember Monday’s was the day that we shopped for Nan.
Don’t get me wrong some weeks I am fine. Then other weeks I pass the ambrosia strawberry custard that I used to have to buy in large quantities because Nan would eat 3 at once and I am filled with this overwhelming sense of sadness because I will never see her rub the pot with a tea towel “to warm it up” before opening it ever again. I look at the style of slippers that I always picked up for her and think “oh she would like the…” “oh wait”. Its pretty rubbish when I am feeling like this!
I am pretty sure that since Nan passed the sales of ready meals in the town had gone down drastically when I think about the amount of mini shopping trips I would have to make during the week because before she had carers and was still managing (fairly good) herself cottage pie seemed like a really good breakfast choice, followed by pasta for lunch and then half another meal for supper leaving very little choice in the fridge unopened for the end of the week!
20 weeks have now passed since she left this world. The world is completely different. We were at the height of the pandemic when she passed and now we have some of our freedoms back it feels good to be going out a bit more but I have to find my new normal. My normal up to the point of her passing was her. I miss just laying on her sofa next to her chair watching Judge Rinder, Tenable, Tipping point and The Chase. I would happily sit there and watch them with her even if she was asleep!
If you follow me on instagram you will see that in the last couple of months I have been focusing on losing weight and trying to get healthier. Nan used to call me fat (dementia doesn’t hold back) she would be proud of me for becoming slimmer but would happily remind me she was still slimmer! In some of my future posts I will move from just talking about my grief to that journey too. I hope you stick with me for that.
Until next time.
x
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