Wednesday was four months since Nan died. That is 1/3 of a year – gone in a blink of an eye. Surprisingly, given the year that as a world we have had and the fact I have spent a good chunk of the last four months at home, its flown by.
As a family we are still very much sorting out Nans house. Some things are much easier to sort than others things and occasionally something we come across hits the big fat “here is grief and you are going to feeling it hard” button.
That is what happened last week and it has very much been on my mind since then. I almost hope that writing this down and sharing my thoughts will help me file this moment of grief away with the others.
Nan loved music. Country music was her favourite but in her latter years I did manage to get her to fall in love with Steps just like myself! One of my most treasured memories is a video of her dancing to the latest steps album. She had better moves than myself. Last week I was looking at her cds and stereo and come across something that made me quite sad. On top of the stereo was a turntable and one this turntable was a pile of CD’s that Nan had quite clearly tried to play. Obviously it wouldn’t work and likely the stereo wasn’t even plugged in but it added more sadness to my memories of her telling me that her hifi wasn’t working. I knew it was working but now I have more pieces of Nans stories put together in my head, the stereo really wouldn’t have been working for her. It wasn’t working in the way that she thought it should work, the way it was for her in the 60s/70s/80s when she danced with my grampy.
I really didn’t like the idea of her getting upset about it not working. I mean, I can’t know for a fact she got upset. She could well have just kicked the stereo, cursed and went and made a cup of tea but I will never know for sure. It really made me sad to think of her trying to get the CDs to play. I spent the last years of Nans life wanting to wrap her up in cotton wool, I know I couldn’t completely but I gave it a good bloody go!
I hope where ever she is she is dancing away to (Steps) Johnny Cash and tomorrow when I go out the one Johnny Cash CD I have in my car is going in and whilst I run errands I will be signing my heart out just like we would have on our little rides.
Hope you are all coping well in this heat,
Until next time.
Becka x
beckalou.co.uk 