I miss Nan so much and part of me wishes so so much I could have her still here with me however, part of me is relieved she is at peace now. Is that me saying I am glad shes not here? Of course not. Am I glad she isn’t suffering anymore? 100%.
When she was in hospital in February I did come to terms with the fact we wouldn’t have her here with us for much longer.. as in years. I did hope she would make it to her 90th birthday in October because we had agreed that we would celebrate together turning 90 in October and myself 30 in November (I know… I don’t look old enough!). I really hoped that we would be able to do that but after that I knew that it was literally a day at a time and appreciate every moment.
I really didn’t expect her to pass away as quickly as she did. We were under no illusions that she would be with us forever and even in that last week when things were really bad I still didn’t think it was the end yet. Looking back and you know hindsight is a wonderful thing now I think about it, it was clear that the end was coming.
Today (at the time of writing this) we went to my great grandparents grave and it helped to go there and think of them all at peace together Nan. En-route to their grave we stopped at where Nan is at rest with Grampy and I felt OK seeing the little plaque with her name on (we are in the process of getting the headstone sorted). Its the first time I felt OK because when I looked at it I thought yes, she is no longer with me but she is no longer in any pain and that is OK.
I miss her alot, like ALOT but I am OK with the fact she isn’t here anymore because I know that if she was still with us her quality of life wouldn’t be great and I wouldn’t want that for her. From our point of view I am also really glad that none of us saw her really deteriorate to not knowing who we are. My heart would have broke more than it has if she had ever acted like she didn’t know who I was.
I know this post comes across a bit mismatched but thats my brain at the moment. If you have got to this point then pat yourself on the back because honestly well done, I dont think I would have!
In a couple of weeks its 4 months since Nan died and honestly thats just gone in a blink of an eye! All of you that have been reading this since I started writing on thank you! In the next few weeks I am going to change things up slightly and my posts aren’t going to all be grief related! I hope you stick around for that too! It is still very much me navigating my life through this new part of my life. I’m not a carer anymore and its taking a bit of time to get used to the fact I am actually… I can put myself first now.
Take care.
Until next time
x
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