It is by chance that I came up with this post idea and today (6th of July… who knows when I will post it) I still don’t know how comfortable I am with the idea of sharing this with you all but I realised I rarely discuss my feelings and on this I would like you to understand.
Prior to Nan dying death wasn’t something that I had witnessed. I had people in the family die but with both my other grandparents (I know you have 4 grandparents but one doesn’t count long story, families are weird and I also had a Step Nan) I hadn’t seen either of them after they died. With my granddad I was only 6 years old so I don’t really remember but I did say to my mum after she saw him in his coffin “If he looked that nice why couldn’t I have seen him” and my other Nan died when I was 22 and I didn’t want to see her because the last memory I have of her is giving her a hug in her house 2 weeks before she died. Last year I was starting to think about how I would feel with Nan dying. Nan had become such a big part of my life that I was scared of her dying. I truly didn’t think I would cope.
I heard so many things about dementia online, from doctors, in the media, from people that have experienced family with it that I started to build a picture in my head of what I thought Nan’s death would look like. I was convinced at one point she would be in a care home not knowing who any of us were unable to eat and drink and this would totally break my heart. When she had her hospital admission in February the conversation turned a lot to making her comfortable at home if treatment for her medical issues stopped working, this helped me to be more reassured that she would infact die in her own home like she wanted. I just thought I would have longer than a month with her when she got discharged from hospital.
When I got the phone call from the carer on the day she died the last thing I expected was to go to her house and her have passed away within 3 hours. When I created all these images in my head of how I thought she would leave us I didn’t expect it to be just me and two paramedics with her. This scenario had never once entered my head which means I never had a chance to prepare for it. If you know me, then you know that I like to think up about 20 completely different scenarios in my head and come up with a way for dealing with each. I had all this time previously to prepare for losing Nan and the way I lost her I was completely unprepared for.
Thankfully, is that the correct word…we will roll with it. Thankfully, the way she passed away couldn’t have been any nicer. I know she was very poorly but she wasn’t distressed. She was so peaceful, I think even I felt quite relaxed despite knowing what was happening. The paramedics with me were amazing. Naturally I was quite upset at times but they were so comforting without being able to get too close because obviously #covid!.
I so wanted my mum and brother to make it in time, but I watched Nan’s breathing start to slow down and I knew that it was very unlikely that they were going too. One of the paramedics was out on the phone to the doctor, I could hear them talking about me. I heard him say “shes naturally very upset but shes coping very well”. I don’t know if he knows I heard it. As she was happening I asked the other paramedic if Nans breathing was indeed slowing down. She was hooked up to a monitor that could tell them obviously so they knew when she had left us. About an hour before this Nan gave my hand a little squeeze and a tiny smile. I know she knew I was there.
Within minutes of this Nan took her last breath and I was holding her hand. I didn’t want to let her hand go because I knew that once I did then no-one would ever hold her hand with her alive again. The paramedics left me in peace with Nan though this was quickly ruined by her lunchtime carer turning up, that may well be a story for a different day. I just sat and held her hand, she looked incredibly peaceful. My mum and brother arrived about 5 minutes later, I was gutted that they missed out on being with Nan by so little time but I knew that Nan was okay because she hadn’t been alone.
There was so much to do in terms of the paramedics filling in their paperwork and the police coming acting on behalf of the coroner followed by the undertakers to take Nan. It was a good feel hours before we could go home but it felt as though those hours went in a blink of an eye. At one point I took a walk up the road to where one of my friends live just to go and see him. Obviously I told him Nan had passed away but I wanted to go and talk about his new car. It felt like even though Nan had only just passed away I instantly just wanted a bit of normal.
My family were trying to offer me hugs and I refused from everyone. I don’t know why I just really struggle with showing any kind of weakness. This sounds ridiculous given that my Nan had just passed away and its fine to be sad or cry but I prefer to hold it all together. I don’t know if prefer is the right word or whether over the years I have built myself up such barriers that I can’t show any kind of weakness. Writing about my feelings and how I felt in those moments is quite a scary thing but I know that it will help me and that is why I started writing this blog after Nan left me. It has helped me navigate my grief.
I have also been using my pictures and videos as a way of talking about my grief and I made this video of pictures of Nan and I. We had the most fun together.
Thank you if you watch the video. I do plan to upload some videos of me discussing topics in the future. Grief, dementia, caring .. I am not expert but I would like to share my experiences. However, I am waiting until I finally get a trip to the hairdresser until that, no-one needs to see Rebeccas lockdown hair!
Until next time. x
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