Previously I have blogged about my health having Fibromyalgia, Joint hyper-mobility syndrome and anxiety. I stopped that and recently I have only been talking about Nan and how I am feeling, which undoubtedly this will still be about as it hasn’t even been four weeks yet. Grief has an impact on people physically, it really has done me and in this post I am going to talk about some of the experiences I have been having. As I have been reminded there are no right or wrong ways to grieve and I do need to be kinder to myself but here is how i have been affected.
Sleep
As anyone with Fibromyalgia knows sleep is always an issue. Its rarely refreshing and I find I can wake feeling more tired on occasion. Prior to Nans death I was getting about 6 to 7 hours a night and waking up between 7 and 8 in the morning every morning without fail. Since Nans death my sleep has been all over the place. I can’t remember the last time I was asleep before midnight and I even found myself up until 2/3 in the morning some times. I even contacted the doctor and got something to help me relax but that didn’t really help because it made me feel worse the next day. I am trying to get up earlier every morning in the hope that eventually my body goes back into a better routine but it is quite hard going.
Food
I am trying hard to lose weight. I struggle, hormones are an absolute bitch. Since Nan died I have actually lost about 5kgs. I think part of that was at the beginning I was struggling to eat and partly because I always lose a bit during the summer because I just lose my appetite. I have been a bit hit and miss in the last few weeks. Some really healthy days, some more snacky days. I always have a conflicted relationship with food anyhow, one day I can eat well next day its hard for me to stomach anything. I think I will eventually fall back into a better routine. Last year I had been seeing a health trainer to help me establish better routines and one of my goals was to always eat breakfast, something I am hit and miss with at the moment but want to get back to being better at.
Mental health
I have suffered with mental health issues for years. I take citalopram and next week I will have done for 5 years. Its not something that I am ashamed of, I remember when I got put on them a friend of mine remarked that it isn’t something that I would want to be on long term. That has something that has always stuck in my head and as each year has ticked by I have thought oh look, still on them, still rocking this up and down rollercoaster.
Prior to Nan passing away I was concerned what impact her death would have on my mental health. I know that I had put a lot of my energy into looking after her. There were times that she was the only reason I got out of bed. I did worry, would I want to get out of bed, carry on, what would I do? Being made redundant from my job a few months ago and struggling to find a new job means that I literally have nothing to do now. Boris hasn’t even given me back my gym yet! The pandemic means I am staying home with far too much time to think and this is having a negative impact on my mental health. I am not going to pretend that life is all top notch because it really isn’t. I am lucky to have some friends that I can turn too, rant, scream… or just be really stupid to take my mind off things.
The future……
The future for me feels a bit uncertain, I don’t know where my future job is going to be. I look everyday for jobs. I don’t know when I am going back to the gym. I am uncertain about everything, grief is a little bit of a mind field. We laid Nan to rest at grampys grave yesterday, I guess its both of their graves now but last night I felt some peace at knowing she was in her final resting place and I took a little bit of comfort from that last night. I hope this is a sign that things might take a step in the right direction but I am fully expecting more loop to loops on this funny odd roller coaster before I find out what life is really going to be like now I am not caring for Nan or have her in my life.
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