Before I know it two months will have passed since Nan left me (us all). Those two months have really flown by. In a few weeks she is being put in her final resting place which is with my grampy and I think I might feel at peace a bit when she is with him. Yes he has been gone since 1997 but hes my hero and my screensaver on my phone and when shes with him it will feel right! 🙂
Today I have felt really down in the dumps. Its the first time in a few weeks that I have sat down and felt like nothing was worthwhile. I really miss Nan, I am not going to try and beat around the bush there, I miss her alot. Grief is a bloody bitch, its so weird. Some days I can be perfectly ok, like yes I miss her but I function and feel ok as it is what it is. She isn’t suffering anymore and that is good. But today I just wanted her back with me. I wanted one more hug and kiss. I even wanted to be told I am fat again or that her trousers are smaller than mine. I’d take it all again and then a hundred times over to have her back. I can’t remember the last time I had a cry over it, though I am tearing up as I write this.
I miss this smile. I can’t get my head round the fact she is actually gone. It doesn’t feel right. I had prepared myself for a while that she would go in the near future, her dementia progressed and dementia is a bitch. I just really hate life without her. In a world where I felt so miserable, where my mental health took a battering, where I have no confidence and felt like it was all pointless Nan always managed to drag me back even when she was telling me I am fat and I should get a proper job and move out. Cheers babe.
I will be fine, I know I will but I just want my Nan back and I can’t and thats just shit.
Grief really sucks.
No matter how many times you go through it, it is never the same. You never know how you are going to react. There is no manual telling you the right or wrong way to grief, though I wish there was.
Well, its 1:15am as I write this and I probably should go to bed. I don’t have a reason to set an alarm, I won’t wake up to a missed call from a carer. Nor will I wake up to find Nan went a wandering in the night and her door sensors went off. I am crap with change and a massive change like this is just frying my brain. I don’t think the current pandemic we are in is helping! I am stuck thinking more than I wish too! I miss my gym visits!
Until next time.
x
beckalou.co.uk 