For quite a while there had always been that thought in the back of my head when I went to bed that I’d wake up and there would be that phone call… you know the phone call no-one wants to say that Nan had gone. The thoughts became more when Nan came out of hospital last year and had door sensors installed… not only did I think I would wake up to that call but I also felt I was always on edge;
- Would Nan go wandering in the night?
- Would Nan have a fall?
- Is Nan ok at home alone?
I probably didn’t have a fully rested sleep (and still haven’t) for nearly a year. I was always ready to get up at any hour and go and see Nan. I had totally got used to this though luckily never had to get up in the middle of the night because Nan wasn’t a danger in her own home despite what THAT social worker I had previously talked about tried to get us to believe she was.
In the weeks leading up to Nan passing away I also had the carers ringing regularly, sometimes multiple times a day so it really did feel like my phone needed to be surgically attached to my hand “just in case”.
This is why I just can’t seem to get used to the fact the phone won’t ring now. It has been easier to get used to the not going to her house daily and seeing her than it has been the fact my phone won’t ring and I don’t need to be ready to jump in the car at a moments notice. The day she died my day started with a phone call from a carer, thankfully a phone call I am so grateful for as it meant I could be with her at the end. Lets be honest, some of the phone calls I really could have done without.
I find myself regularly thinking things like;
- Is the phone going to ring?
- Is she ok?
- Is my phone on loud just in case?
- What if……….
The what if one is the one that stumps me the most because its the one that comes from my anxiety. All the others are just me forgetting shes not here anymore and I quickly forget that I have thought them, it being more of a of course its not going to ring and no put your phone back on silent so no-one in the world needs to bother you kind of thoughts.
The what if it where I think things like what if that happens and what if this happens. I had thought up hundreds of different scenarios in my head and no usually by choice and I can’t get used to not having to think these things. Like i previously said one thing I always used to worry was about getting a phone call to say she had passed away. I dreaded that call and thankfully (I suppose) I never had to experience that.
I don’t know when these what if thoughts will stop. I don’t know if I want them too, not at the moment because the moment they stop then to me thats it. I will almost be allowed to relax and this is something that feels unusual to me.
I know that I will get used to it eventually, I can cope day to day… I am doing ok. I miss Nan so much and I know thats ok too because its coming up to 6 weeks it’s not been long and on the whole I think I am doing a good job at trying to stay busy even though I am extremely bored!
At least now if the phone does ring I can ignore it if I dont recognise the number just incase its someone asking me if I was in an accident that wasn’t my fault!!!
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