For the last year I have referred to the 3rd May as our last normal day, the last day it was mainly me and Nan. The last time before a huge chunk of the responsibility was taken from my shoulders and it makes me sad because it was such a happy moment in which this photo was taken for life to change so much just a few hours later.
Nan went for her first (and only) ever walk alone outside that evening, she only went as far as her neighbours but the fact she went outside was enough to scare me half to death. I thought thats it, this is the start… shes going to be going out all the time now and I won’t know what to do or how to cope. I didn’t think I would cope. I sat with Nan for a period of time before I called 111 for advice. It was just advice, the nurse on the end of the phone was lovely and she suggested that a paramedic come out and assess Nan to check that she didn’t have any underlying infection that caused her to behave differently.
The nicest man turned up and he assessed both Nan but also myself because of the strain everything and the affect on my mental health. He was a really nice man, he prescribed me a good course of rest and to contact reach out to my doctor which I did. Nan went into hospital, partly to get checked out, partly on a social admission for her safety. I arrived at Nans at 9pm and it was 3am on the 4th may when she got taken to hospital. It was a very long evening and very tiring but I knew that Nan was safe. I was worried sick, but Nan was safe.
Nan was in hospital for a month, coming out on June 3rd 2019 and it was the hardest month ever! Worry after worry!! This post explains more about the worry that was had and whilst it stressed me out so much >>> https://beckalou.co.uk/2020/04/16/dear-social-worker/ <<<<
When Nan came out of hospital she had a care package put in place starting with a live in carer and moving to 4 times a day care. This was a big adjustment period for both Nan and I. I did feel some guilt, which was probably irrational but I promised to always look after her. I promised her it would always be me and her until the end and I was never going to leave her (how true this turned out) She was disappointed for quite a while saying that I had left her alone and this made me feel even worse even though I was still visiting her everyday without fail. To her because these strangers were making her food, washing her, changing her, all the things she saw me do I was no longer doing anything and I had abandoned her. She was so upset with me for quite a while.
Eventually we got used to the carers and it meant that we got to spend lots of time together as just grandmother/ granddaughter and those were really nice months. It was precious time where we could just sit together and laugh, or sit together in silence and it was ok. The last month of her life was slightly different I did feel quite a lot of pressure again. This was because when she came out of hospital middle of march this year she had new health needs and they were difficult ,hard and we all struggled.
I miss her so much, it is only been 3 weeks. I do take some comfort in the fact I got to hold her hand at the end. I take some comfort in the fact she slipped away peacefully because the last month of her life hadn’t been the quality of life that she deserved. I miss my nan so much, I love my nan so much but I take comfort in all our memories including the struggles.
xx
beckalou.co.uk 